


Is it just another bump in the road?

by Haileyschicago



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M, Mentions of past abuse, Upstead fluff, jay looking after Hailey for once, mentions of depression, mentions of sucide/ sucidal thoughts, vulnerable Hailey
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25465102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haileyschicago/pseuds/Haileyschicago
Summary: Hailey Centric story. Focusing on her more vulnerable side.more about development about her past and how she handles it later on. Tw themes of depression and sucide. Don’t read if you not comfortable <3
Relationships: Adam Ruzek/Hailey Upton, Burzek - Relationship, Upstead - Relationship, hailey Upton/ jay halstead, hailey upton/ Vanessa rojas
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44





	1. Catalysts

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so I started a new story. Like I said in summery it is a bit more of a dark story so probs not the best read for everyone <3

Jay had only just made it to hailey’s apartment. Vanessa had driven them both home an hour before jay had even left the precinct and then he had quickly gone home to shower. He now found himself stood in-front of her door waiting for the footsteps to reach him. He wasn’t that surprised when it was Vanessa that opened the door for him. That didn’t stop the panick in his stomach from rising. “Hey v” jay smiled politely they both knew he wasn’t here for small talk. “Hey I was just about to call you” Vanessa replied grimly. Jay stepped in before glancing at the blonde who seemed to be slumped against the sofa. “ how’s she doing” jay asked gesturing towards hailey. Vanessa glanced back at her before turning back to jay “not good she hasn’t even spoken one word since we left the precinct” she sighed

Jay couldn’t take his eyes of the women who he had never seen look so lost or distraught before. “Mmmm I have been trying to get a read of her all day” jay whispered back. “Yeah” Vanessa replied dimly “well I leave you with her” she tried to flash him a smile of reassurance “Vanessa you don’t have to go she cares about you a lot” jay responded honestly. Of course Vanessa knew that was true but she wasn’t who hailey needed right now. “Yeah and we both no she wouldn’t want me see her like this. We need to focus on hailey right now. Take care of her as well as she always takes care of us” jay nodded. he couldn’t of phrased it better himself.

And suddenly Vanessa was gone and they where alone in the apartment. He walked other to hailey. “Hey hails how we doing” he really wasn’t sure what the response he would get. But the silence that followed his question unsettled him even more. Jay found himself crouched in front of hailey at her eyeline. He wasn’t fully convinced she even knew he was there. So he tried again “hailey can you here me” when she made no acknowledgement that she had heard him. He gently placed his hand on her knee. A thing she had done for jay more times than he could count over the years. His heart ached when she flinched slightly. He tried to remind himself she wasn’t afraid of him. He was afraid of the memory she was staring down into.

He was contemplating phoning will but he decided to give it one more shot. To say hailey was an extremely private person was putting it lightly. “It’s jay. Can you here me” after what felt like a lifetime he heard her whisper out “jay” and he was convinced if they had been any further apart he wouldn’t of been able to here it. “You back with me” jay asked trying to mask his face of concern “yeah - I think so” hailey stammered out like she was also unsure of the answer. “Hey drink this” jay said whilst passing her a glass of water that had been left on the coffee table. They both saw the way haileys hands trembled but neither of them mentioned them. After a couple of minutes of silence. He turned towards hailey “cmon you should have a bath while we wait for the pizza I just ordered” he said as positively as possible but he knew it his voice was laced with concern. Hailey smiled a little then he remembered she thought to herself thinking back to the time she said how much a good bath could wash the day away.

As hailey went to stand up jay couldn’t help but hover. He knew how exhausted she was and the last thing he needed right now was a trip to the er because she falls and hits her head on something. He was glad he was there then because as hailey took her first step her knees buckled beneath her. Jay managed to guide her to the bathroom where he propped her against the toilet while he started running the bath. He didn’t know if he was more concerned that hailey was so exhausted and spaced out that she was just siting there or more concerned that she was letting him help her. When he was convinced the water was a the right temperature he grabbed the bubble bath from the edge a poured it in. “Thank you” hailey gently said while he was walking towards the door. 

He didn’t want to move too far away just in case she needed something. So he found himself slumped against the other side of the bathroom door. He felt himself relax slightly when he heard her get into the bath. He let himself sit and listen to her slow movement in the bath. About 20 minutes later He pulled out his phone to see several texts and a couple missed calls “how’s h?” Asked Kim. 2 missed calls from Adam. Kevin had texted him “just drop me a text if you and hailey need anything <3” and finally one from Vanessa “hope your doing okay keep me updated” he replied to Kevin’s and Kim’s text. Leaving Adam for now he was probably with Kim anyway. He knew Rojas deserved more than a quick text so after contemplating for a couple minutes he decided he would phone her.

She picked up on the second ring “jay how’s she doing?” He could here the concern in her voice. “Not great shes said a couple of sentences but she’s still pretty out of it. Shes just having a bath” Vanessa needed a moment to let the information sink in before replying “yeah I guess that’s progress”. Jay wasn’t really paying attention to Vanessa instead he found himself trying to listen to hailey. He started to panic when he still only heard silence from her. “Jay” Vanessa asked “mmm yeah sorry v, I haven’t heard any noise from hailey and I’m just trying not to panic” jay said as calmly as possible. “I’m sure she’s okay- maybe just check” Vanessa backtracked “Keep my updated” jay replied “of course” before hanging up.

Once he put his phone away he tried calling out hailey’s name. After getting no response he banged on the door gently. “Hailey is everything okay?” He tried to say it as calmly as he could not wanting to startle her. After another agonising minute he knocked again. “Hailey I’m coming in” and he prayed he would get a quick reply from her following his statement. But when still he was met with silence he twisted on the door handle and pushed the door open not knowing what to expect. What he saw next shocked him. in front of him was Hailey holding herself under the water.


	2. When the mask gets too heavy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will we discover what haileys feeling and what lead to this. Tw for sucide attempt and talking about sucide.

Jay doesn’t faulter for a secound. He quickly manages to pull hailey up from under the water. Clutching her in his grasp. She’s so cold so still. “Cmon hailey wake up please” he pleads he can feel the tears rolling down his cheeks. His trembling hands are reaching for his phone that now lays on the floor abandoned. When all of a sudden hailey’s eyes flicker open and she splutters out some water. Jay doesn’t think he has ever been so relieved in his entire life. But at the same time he’s terrified. Because she just tried to take her only life. And he’s trying not to imagine living in a life without hailey in it. His partner, his best friend and maybe she’s always been more than that. But he pushes that away. Hailey is not in the right head space to work on anything other than herself right now.

Jay relised he had been so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn’t even heard that hailey was saying something to him. “Jay I’m okay” she announces firmly and he hates that it roles of her tongue so easily like she hadn’t just tried to take her own life. “Yeah your sucide attempt tells me diffrent” hailey can’t help but notice to the almost bitter tone to his voice. “Jay - I wasn’t trying to kill myself” she stutters out almost scared to make eye contact with him . “Ok so what where you trying to achieve by drowning yourself in the bathtub” he can feel himself getting angry. He’s not sure at what he is getting angry at. maybe at hailey because she is still lying and at himself because god he should of seen the signs. Why the hell did he leave her alone. Even for a minute.

Hailey shifts uncomfortably in the silence. She’s not sure if jay is aware he is still clinging onto her body. Her naked body. She suddenly feels very exposed she’s not sure if it’s because she’s visibly naked infront of jay or more because she feels metaphorically naked. She feels raw, exposed even. And if she was going to have to have this Conversation with jay they sure as hell weren’t doing it with her naked in a bathtub. “Jay can I” she stumbles on her words “I need to get changed” it wasn’t what jay was hoping her response would be. But at least she was responding again. Even when he had first arrived at her apartment. Everytime she didn’t reply really scared the shit out of him. 

10 minutes later they both find themselves slummed on the sofa. Jay only managed to eat a piece of the now cold pizza while hailey just picked at hers. You could cut the tension in the room with a knife. Jay couldn’t help but glance at her every few moments “if you suicidal if that’s what this is hails.. *he inhales sharply at the thought* I’ll take you to med. get you checked into physh I’ll have you committed if that’s what it will take” hailey eyes meet his. Her ocean blue eyes are barely holding the tears in. “I know what it’s like to be suicidal and that’s not what it is jay” she whispered out. And jay’s heart hurts so much. Those 6 words made him want to pull her into a hug and never let go but what hurt the most is how she said them. Like she was ashamed. “Everything was so loud. I just need a minute of quite . Under the water the only thing I could focus on was the beating of my heart. The blood pumping through my body and my lungs starting to scream out. I know it doesn’t make sense me it makes me sound crazy but it’s just works” hailey looks away to focus on something other than those eyes. Those eyes which where staring at her with worry. no pity. And she couldn’t help but hate jay for that. 

“You scared the shit out of me hailey” jay said and hailey could here the pain in his voice “I know I’m sorry you shouldn’t of had to see that” she murmured out. And she knew she had said something wrong when jay’s neck snapped around to look at her again “no you should have done it hailey. I want to understand. But hailey you could have died. What if you didn’t come up in time. Your heart could of stopped, you might of got brain damage. What you did was stupid” he hadn’t mean to raise his voice at her. He hadn’t even realised he had until he saw hailey flinch and edge away from him slightly. “I was about to come up when you came in. I’m not stupid jay I know what I’m doing” she couldn’t help but be hurt my jay’s words but she pushed that to the back of her already overwhelming thoughts. He was just scared it’s not his fault. They sat in silence for another 5 or 10  
Minutes taking in what the other one had said. “Jay you can go I don’t need a babysitter. Vanessa will be back soon anyways” hailey almost pleaded out. “Yeah so your going to her what happened then” jay snapped back slightly surprised at his own tone. Hailey inhaled sharply before replying “there’s nothing to talk about jay. I don’t know how many times I’m going to explain that to you” hailey was aware that her words where becoming more harsh. “You can carry denying that your suicidal hailey . But if that’s the only way you can deal with your emotions. Then You need help” hailey felt the tears starting to role silently down her cheeks.

“I know it’s messed up jay. I know I’m messed up. I knew that the first time I did it. But it’s better than the alternative” jay didn’t know how to handle the sentence that just slipped out of haileys mouth. He’s pretty sure that she didn’t mean to say all of that. But she’s exhausted. too exhausted to carry on wearing her mask, her facade. “So this wasn’t the first time you have done that” they both knew he didn’t need to elaborate on what ‘that’ means. Haileys only response is the slight nod of her head. Jay watches her run her hand through haileys still drying hair. He thinks he waiting for an explanation. But he was met by silence once again. he glanced back at hailey to see her staring at the nothingness. The blankness the haileys face is wha terrifies him. 

“My mind when it gets too full. It’s like I can’t move. I can’t breath and” she’s not even trying to attempt to hold all of her feelings in anymore. Today had been to Damn hard and maybe for once letting someone in might help. Jay was about to reply when she carries on talking. “She’s dead jay. I am the reason she’s dead” her whole body is trembling now. “She poured her heart out to me. And I thought she was lying” the guilt hailey was feeling was thick in her throat “hails anyone would of done the same. We all had doubts about her story” jay replied hoping to get through to his partner. “I wanted her to be lying jay. I convinced myself she was lying. What kind of monster does that” and jay isn’t sure that hailey knew she had said that last bit out loud. “Hailey what happened wasn’t your fault” he knew he was grasping at straws. He knew there was no way convincing hailey how wrong she was right now. “She was a 16 year old girl. And I sent her home. To her abusive father. Because what he didn’t have a criminal record. He had a good job. That doesn’t matter and I know that better than anyone” she cried out. Jay had only ever heard tiny snippets about her past. She had never outwardly told him about her dad but over the years he picked up enough. At first he thought they just had a bad relationship like he had had with his dad. But he learnt it was more than that. The way she handled any domestic abuse cases the team would come about. Today wasn’t the first time he had seen her flinch at someones raised and angry voice. “I sat across from her. While she pleaded with me. She just wanted someone to believe her. She was screaming out for help. And I stared her dead in the eyes. And convinced myself she was lying for what? *she paused ” because, because when I started into those broken tearful eyes. It was like I was staring into a mirror. And I knew her pain and knew how badly she wanted someone to believe her but I didn’t. Because she reminded me too much of how I used to feel”

Jay pulls haileys trembling body into his. Rubbing her back while whispering comforting things to her. He’s not sure how long they are sat there. He could look at the clock but he’s to scared to take his eyes of her for even a moment. Eventually haileys breathing evens out and he knows she fallen asleep. when Vanessa walks in the front door an hour later she’s surprised to see hailey asleep in jay’s arms. Jay puts his finger to his mouth   
gesturing for Vanessa to be quite. She can’t help but notice how even while hailey is fast asleep she is far far from peace. Vanessa chucks a blanket from the armchair over both jay and hailey. Before going to bed. She knows jay isn’t going anywhere. And she’s glad because hailey’s not okay but between her and jay they will get her there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this. Sorry jay is a bit of a dick in some of this chapter. But it’s kinda what I imagine his reaction to be


End file.
